Unfortunately, many of us were raised without our fathers. Some of us were abandoned or abused by family members, or we were unnurtured growing up. From this, we experienced a lack of love, acceptance, discipline, and boundaries. The human heart is an amazing phenomenon where bursts of joy can physically be felt, but so can the voids of healthy and loving relationships. Often times, women seek to cure the unmet needs that our hearts desire by engaging in premature physical intimacy with men. As a result, some of us have brought children into this world under the same circumstances that we were brought in, and the cycle continues.
To ease the pain, many single mothers idolize and glamorize the strength of doing everything on their own, not realizing it’s an empty idea that needs to recreate itself in order to continue living. It shows itself in ways like sabotaging relationships or using markers for “accomplishments”, boasting in single-mommy-moments of you doing it all on your own. A sense of pride can have the ability to mask itself as strength. In reality, you push yourself away from good relationships that could offer support, love, correction, and wise people who genuinely offer encouragement and guidance. It’s a type of coping method tricking you to believe you’re alone so that you can continue to be alone.
I get it. Pain is deep. And life feels safe when doing it solitarily. But pushing people away doesn’t heal the childhood trauma, it only perpetuates your childhood trauma.
Understand, as a parent and a growing adult, you are in the trenches of needing support. But because your energy is more focused on survival instead of love or trust, you do all you can to protect yourself from encounters that might be painful. This cycle could be the reason your brain doesn’t know the difference between a bad pain, like the treatment of a toxic person, or a good pain, like growing pains from cultivating healthy relationships.
Childhood experiences set the standard for what is considered normal and ultimately influences our relationships as we age. The good news is that our normal standard can be undone and relearned. As we develop and grow regardless of age, healthy relationships with both men and women are essential to confidence and knowing our value in this world.
Intentionally setting yourself around respectful, good communicating, competent and flexible people who are self-aware with good coping skills will drastically change your quality of life. As long as you stick with the friendships, although some short and some are long-lived, you shouldn’t come out of them the same as you were going in. Good relationships will show you your weaknesses, but they will also inspire and stretch you to grow and stimulate your strengths.