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Men, Could Playing Nice be Ruining Your Relationship?

Some men seem so nice. They do things their women ask them to do; they say the right things; they play along harmoniously. So then why do conflicts still come about in their relationships? Why do the nice guys lose the gals? Is it that the nice guys aren’t the bad boy and that’s what women really want? No. Maybe it’s because they’re so busy playing nice, that they come off as fake and simply lose their “presence”.

Motivational speaker Tony Robbins said something so true while discussing how men lose their “presence” with their women. He says, concerning how to respond to your woman when she wants you to do something you actually don’t want to do:

“Its coming from a place of congruency – when you say what you mean and you mean what you say versus when you’re placating… accommodation doesn’t produce passion.” – Tony Robbins

Tony is spot on with this. Some men, for the sake of pursuit or holding on to a relationship, aren’t honest about what they really want. Women want men who are loving in their confidence and know how to wisely express their priorities. We eventually respect men like this for it.


A man’s lack of presence and lack of honesty with a woman is a huge turn off. Women don’t always pinpoint this but we know we hate it when it happens and don’t always know why it happens. A man who plays along to get along creates an absent man – even in him being “nice”. It’s important that men be real about what they will and won’t do and what they are willing to do. So if women are overbearing or don’t honor that, then those women don’t respect boundaries and men should move on. It will save time and energy in the long run. We often want men to desire what we desire and to have similar interests and ideas but this isn’t always fair or realistic to men so they should speak up about it and be taken seriously.

Some great men tend to go into relationships setting themselves up to be unhappy by not being upfront as situations arise. An example is a man who does everything with his woman when he really would prefer her doing many of those things with her girlfriends, not him. Yet he says nothing and plays along or he minimally complains about it which she never takes seriously so he does it anyway to avoid a blowup and to be “nice”. But there’s nothing nice about being fake. After a while these men start feeling resentment for doing certain things for their women so they do them out of coercion and without the same passions as their women, and this is what sparks a conflict.

Nice is not nice when it’s simply being passive aggressive. Being passive aggressive in a relationship is like throwing all your stuff into a little closet or under the bed to make the rest of the house look clean, but meanwhile you’re losing the things you need by not placing them in their rightful places. A man who doesn’t present his priorities in situations is setting his woman up to do it for him which may cause the man to feel suppressed and will create a divide in the end.

Being “nice” may still cause arguments because the woman will begin to see when her man’s heart isn’t into something. She will often then resent him for not being upfront with her in the beginning and he will resent her for suppressing his wishes (whether he has verbally expressed them or not). Sometimes men stop coming right home, retreat to other rooms, drink, etc., just to escape these suppressed feelings.

Is this a pattern that men pick up from their mothers? The mother taught them to do as they say and not talk back or they may face a consequence. Is that why some men play along to get along? Are men placating for the sake of “peace”? If so, it could be sparking a war or a lack of intimacy in their relationships.

It’s one thing to do things out of cooperation, a need, or as a kind gesture, but it shouldn’t be to the extent where a man is consistently suppressed by his woman or feels he’s held hostage to her will and wants. There’s liberty in Christ Jesus and that’s the mentality each believer in a relationship should have. We are in bondage to no one but the Lord. HalleluYah to that!

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About Essence Yarbrough

Mama Bear of two. Author of Wisdom In Red: The Words of Jesus. (Writer by grace of the Author.) Patiencepreneur.

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