For years, I have been directly affected by your vindictive ways. Allow me to give a quick rundown of my background: I am a single mother of seven children who were fathered by six different men. Only one of those men has been a part of his child’s life since she was born. My 9-year-old’s father has never made any attempt to see him and hid his existence from his family. My 18-year-old son’s father saw him once when he was 4-years-old and hid his existence from his family until my son contacted his older half-brother in Alaska two years ago and then the secret was out. One child’s father is addicted to drugs and alcohol and has mental health issues; two of my older boys’ father pops in to see them every few years or so before disappearing again. My oldest child’s father decided he wanted to be a father to her in when she turned 18.
Contrary to popular belief, some baby mamas care more about their children having a healthy and nurturing relationship with their fathers than child support. Some of us actually would love for our children to have the love of both mother and father. I have always told my kids’ dads that I care far more about my kids having their dads in their lives than the money. Money is nothing compared to the love and guidance two parents can provide to their children.
When you use your children as pawns to gain leverage over your child’s father for whatever perceived wrongs he has committed against you (and yes, believe me, I know some of these guys can be complete jerks) and don’t allow him to see his child, you make us all look bad. When you tell lies in court about your child’s father to reduce or eliminate his time with your child, you ruin the credibility of all baby mamas. When you run to the courts to attempt to raise his monthly child support obligation because you’re angry and want revenge, you make us all look money-hungry.
I have been to court after my 3-year-old child was assaulted by the partner of her father and told by the judge “I’m not buying this whole “I’m trying to save my daughter” act” when my toddler’s face was purple and green from her scalp down to her neck and back to her ear which was black, it was so bruised. There were visible fingertip marks on her face. You wanna know why that judge didn’t believe me? Because the other parties lied to protect themselves, yes, but I also believe that the judge was very used to vindictive baby mamas coming into court with fabricated stories to remove the fathers out of their children’s lives. He is not alone.
Several years ago I watched a Dr. Phil episode about all the children who have been killed by their fathers because judges did not believe the mother’s’ concerns. In the show, he highlighted the fact that many judges across the country no longer view mothers in child custody cases as credible because they have seen so many come into their courtrooms with stories full of lies and false allegations. As a result, the mothers who did go into court with legitimate concerns of the fathers doing harm or even killing their kids, were not believed and guess what? Several of those cases ended with the children being killed by their fathers because the judges didn’t believe the mothers’ legitimate concerns.
So you see, when you lie about your child’s father or try keeping him out of your child’s life without legitimate concern, you are not only harming your child and him, you are affecting and tarnishing the integrity of all women across the country. When you place the value of child support above your child having a dad, you come across as greedy. And incredibly selfish. Maybe that is why so many men have bad attitudes about paying their child support. Not that that is a legitimate excuse, but I can see how it could put a sour taste in their mouths.
I am still currently dealing with family court hearings for another case and every single time I step into a courtroom, I am always afraid the judge is going to think I am “one of those moms”…you. The fear is always there as I am testifying to real and true issues that are harming my child, that the judge is going to think I am making everything up. Sometimes I get treated and spoken to as if the judge really does believe I am lying and other times the judge seems to be more level-headed and striving to make a sound decision based on evidence.
I hope you will think twice about allowing your problems and emotions dictate what is in your child’s best interest. Children need mom and dad. That is God’s original design. He never intended for children to be raised by only one parent. Putting your child first means acting in your child’s best interest. You being mad at your baby daddy doesn’t mean your child has to hate him too. Denying your child the love of his or her other parent and having a relationship with him harms your child and one day, you may have to answer some difficult questions and endure some hardships in your own relationship with your child.
Bottom line: quit being vindictive. It affects everyone. Literally. And it’s not worth the price you will have to pay eventually because yes, we always have consequences for our actions and I don’t think you will like those consequences. I sure don’t and I’m sure I speak for the many other baby mamas out there who truly do attempt to make the best decisions we can for our children in good faith.
Thank you for reading and God bless.